Dr Shelley - Sexologist

Q is for Quality - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

Q is for Quality…

Quality time, quality experiences, quality connections…

Have you heard of the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman? A highly recommended read. Basically the five love languages are gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and quality time.

It is important to discover what your own love language is, and that of your lover(s). Do you love to receive gifts? Is it more important for you to be told you are doing a great job? Do you like it when your loved one does things for you, like take the trash out, fix up the house, or do the dishes? Or do you simply love to touch and be touched?

One of the five love languages is quality time. Do you love to spend quality time with your loved one(s)? Do you schedule quality time with your loved one(s)? In our busy lives it is important to make time for one another. Especially if you are a busy parent, or business person.

Scheduling time for each other is one of the keys to a successful, satisfying relationship. Scheduling quality time to be with each other can include planning a trip somewhere together, a romantic dinner for two, time to make love when the kids aren’t around, time to just “be” together, watch a movie, snuggle…

Developing quality connections with others in the open lifestyle can also enhance your swinging experience. Over the years my partner and I have developed some beautiful deep and meaningful connections with others. This helps deepen the love making/sharing and takes it beyond just sex to a far more rewarding connection.

Quality experiences are those that you remember, that go down as special times in your life. Being sexually active is great for the health - see my book Anti-Aging & Health Benefits of Sex. In my basic research project I did a survey of people in the lifestyle and there was an overwhelming response that supports the benefits of open relationships and not only the physical benefits, but also the emotional, mental and spiritual benefits of connecting with others.

If you have an experience in the lifestyle that doesn’t really fulfill you, then keep the adventure going and the exploration. When you find connections and experiences that are exciting, stimulating and enjoyable remember those and search out more, or continue to stay in touch with those people that you really clicked with.

The swing community is very vast, and there are an amazing group of open minded, adventurous souls out there who love to connect with others.

Personally when I meet new friends, I loved to get naked and explore the other persons body and see how we fit. It’s like my hand shake. I’d much rather get naked and make love than sit around and talk politics or the weather. You learn a lot about someone when you get naked and start exploring each other. If only all friendships and meetings started like that!!

For me, I make an effort to create quality time for those in my close circle of lovers. It can take some juggling schedule wise but it is so worth it. My partner loves to ride motorbikes so I plan trips away for us where we can ride. My “sister wife” loves to spend quality time with our man too, so I make sure to schedule quality time for them. And also for us together. We like to have morning walks together and catch up. My “girlfriend” time is super important for me too. I have a close core group of amazing women in my life and to spend quality time with them feeds my soul too.

So think about the special people in your life and what their love language is. There may be one love language that is super important for them. Discover what it is. It can make their day and enhance your relationship to give them what they really want. Flowers, messages of love, a massage, washing their car, or taking them out for dinner or a show. Why not look at what you can do for your loved on on all levels?

Quality time with your loved one(s) is important. Look at your relationships and plan some special time with those that you love. Plan a vacation - there are some amazing swinger cruises, resorts and parties around. Or plan a special meal at home, or out. Schedule some romantic loving time or spontaneously give them some flowers, or a gift you know they will appreciate.

The greatest gift is love. And love comes in all different forms. Have fun discovering how you can package your love and gift it to those you love. The more we give the more we receive. Start planning on how you can share your love.

Next is R for Respect…

P is for Passion - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

P is for Passion

What blows your skirt up? What really gets your engine revving? What is it in your life that you feel totally passionate about? Discover your passion and infuse it into your life. Live a passionate life. One of my passions is riding a motorbike fast and trying to keep up with my partner on his bike. It is so Zen. Nothing else to focus on except every moment you have to be 100% focused on what you are doing on the bike…

What is your passion sexually? What really turns you on? Maybe it is still waiting to be discovered? Follow your heart, follow your passion and be the sexual adventurers that you are!

P could also be for Pee! Yes, pee!!!! For some people being peed on is their passion! Even photos of people peeing can turn some people on! Ever tried it? It’s actually a really cool (or rather warm) feeling of having hot pee running down your butt crack. Or peeing on someone… it’s fun, because it is so tabu! Usually I like to do it in the shower or a bathtub. Even peeing on someone outside can be very erotic. That way you know you aren’t going to make a mess! Or can easily hose it down… Some people even like to drink pee! Believe it or not there is a school of thought that if you drink your lover’s pee then you become naturally immune to any type of dis-ease or sexually transmitted infection they may have.

P could also be for PhD, which is what I have. A PhD in Philosophy, specializing in Human Sexuality.

Or P could be for Penis! With a PhD in Sexology and many, many years in the swing scene and working in the sex field, I have a LOT of experience in Penis Play!!!

I remember one time a famous porn star came round to one of our parties. His cock was ginormous! I asked him, what was the most important thing for him when getting a blow job. What made him hard? He said, if the girl makes out that she really LOVES his cock then that is a big turn on. He said, imagine it is a super yummy dicksickle! Love it, slurp it, lick it, smell it, devour it. And make appreciative noises! Like I mentioned in C for Cunnilingus. Give positive feedback when you are going down on someone. And vice versa. If you are receiving, give appreciative oral feedback to the one giving to you.

And vary it up! Keep trying different techniques until you find one that works. Some guys like their penis grabbed hard at the base, others don’t like any hands at all. Some like it soft and gentle, some like it hard and rough. Some like their balls played with at the same time, some don’t. And believe it or not, most guys like their ass played with while receiving oral. 


Some like a steady rhythm while others like variety. Still some like just the head to be teased and played with while others like deep throat. As varied as women are in how they like their oral pleasuring, so are guys. Penis play is fun!

Some guys like lots of lube, others hate any lube at all! Some like a hand job, others can’t come orally or with a hand job. Still others can only orgasm if they stroke themselves off. That’s how they come and they can’t come any other way!

Some cocks are circumcised and some aren’t. I know some girls who don’t like playing with uncircumcised cocks because they feel they are “dirty” so make sure you wash well before any playtime if you are uncircumcised and perhaps play with yourself a bit beforehand to bring that head out of it’s protective covering so that it’s easier for the girl, especially if she is not used to uncircumcised.

Personally I find the head of an uncircumcised cock much softer and more sensitive than uncircumcised ones.

Some penises are straight, some bend to the left, some to the right, some bend upwards and some downwards! So each one will feel different inside too.

Have fun exploring how different penises can pleasure you. What works with one may not work with another.

I see it as a challenge! A challenge that sometimes I have success with and at other times not! 


They have a mind of their own, as they say. Sometimes whatever you try doesn’t work because the person is in a different head space and it is basically impossible to get them out of their big head and into their little head.

Don’t give yourself a hard time if you can’t get your partner/date to orgasm. Some guys only orgasm if they are inside. Others only from oral, or a hand job. And others need to get themselves off.

Some guys love the swing scene and multiple lovers at the same time, others get overwhelmed when there is more than one person and can’t focus. The swing scene isn’t necessarily for everyone! If it really isn’t for you then try some other things like using toys, doing different role-plays, exploring fetishes, making love in different places… whatever it takes to keep love alive, the experience fun, and sex satisfying.

P could also be for Porn… Pleasuring, Playfulness, Penetration, Prostate Play, Purpose and so many other things… But definitely focus on putting Passion back into your life and creating a more Passion!

Next is Q for Quality…

O is for Orgasm - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

O is for Orgasm

I remember when I was invited to the premier of the Vagina Monologues in New York, starring Vanessa Williams and Mayor Giuliani’s wife, Donna Hanover. I was interviewed by Channel 11 news afterwards. They wanted to know how the Mayor’s wife did. I knew exactly what they wanted so gave them a nice sound bite they used on the news that evening… “She did a great rendition of all the… (pregnant pause)… noises make when women make love.” And she did! I didn’t use the word orgasm as I knew it was going on public TV, but Donna Hanover did a fantastic job of giving examples of all the different type of orgasms women can have. From the clitoral, to the full blown g-spot, gushing type of orgasm.

And it is true! There are many different types of orgasms. Some women orgasm from stimulating the clitoris. Others from deep penetration. I, myself, am multi-orgasmic and notice the sounds I make from oral stimulation to full on sex differs. And even different sexual positions create different sounds when I orgasm.

Orgasms are usually portrayed as the mind-blowing, earth-shattering type. But in fact there are many different types of orgasms. I have worked with many women helping them discover their orgasms. And also helping them realize that there are many types of orgasms. Maybe they don’t have the earth shattering type of orgasm, but they can still have other types of orgasms, such as nipple orgasms, or clitoral orgasms. Each woman is different.

As I mentioned in I for Introspection, it is important to discover what turns you on. To explore your own body so you know what works for you. To experiment with lovers to help you find your ecstasy! And to realize there are many different types of ecstatic orgasmic experiences.

One thing I would love to share with you guys… is the importance of orgasming totally and completely. To allow yourself to give your all when you orgasm. To orgasm like a Lion! To roar, to thrust and to imagine your orgasm is not just in to the woman’s vagina but that it goes through her whole body!

Orgasmic pleasure is not just in the genitals. It can be through every cell in your body.

Sometimes I get headaches if my sexual energy gets stuck! It requires a powerful male orgasm inside me to sometimes push that stuck energy through and out the top of my head.

In the research I did for my PhD, there were several studies that showed orgasms to be good for headaches. It has certainly helped me over the years!

So when you orgasm guys, do it with your heart and soul, and imagine coming so intensely that your lover will feel it in every cell of her being! Roar your orgasm. Express it with every cell of your beingness. Give it your all!

You are a powerful lover. Release that energy! Allow your sexual energy to be transmitted through your cock, into your lover, through them and on out into the universe! And when you both orgasm at the same time, then that generates an even more powerful energy that can be used to heal and energize, and also expand on out into the universe for planetary healing… More on that in U for Universe!

As I mentioned in G for G-spot, it is very important for guys to have actual orgasms, where they ejaculate. I know there is the tantric, taoist perspective of holding on to the orgasm, and redirecting it through the body for regeneration and self healing, which is great, but in my opinion it is also VERY important to allow the body to actually orgasm eventually. If you don’t then you may suffer prostate problems later on. If you continually tell your prostate not to do what it is meant to do, which is ejaculate, then eventually it will stop working as it perceives it has no function any longer.

There are several studies in the summary of my PhD, outlined in my book Anti-Aging and Health Benefits of Sex, that support this and show that the more sex and ejaculations you have then healthier your prostate will be.

So prolong as long as you can but do allow yourself to come eventually! It’s good for us girls to feel that energy and also for your health and the health of your prostate!

Next is P for P…