Dr Shelley - Sexologist

O is for Orgasm - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

O is for Orgasm

I remember when I was invited to the premier of the Vagina Monologues in New York, starring Vanessa Williams and Mayor Giuliani’s wife, Donna Hanover. I was interviewed by Channel 11 news afterwards. They wanted to know how the Mayor’s wife did. I knew exactly what they wanted so gave them a nice sound bite they used on the news that evening… “She did a great rendition of all the… (pregnant pause)… noises make when women make love.” And she did! I didn’t use the word orgasm as I knew it was going on public TV, but Donna Hanover did a fantastic job of giving examples of all the different type of orgasms women can have. From the clitoral, to the full blown g-spot, gushing type of orgasm.

And it is true! There are many different types of orgasms. Some women orgasm from stimulating the clitoris. Others from deep penetration. I, myself, am multi-orgasmic and notice the sounds I make from oral stimulation to full on sex differs. And even different sexual positions create different sounds when I orgasm.

Orgasms are usually portrayed as the mind-blowing, earth-shattering type. But in fact there are many different types of orgasms. I have worked with many women helping them discover their orgasms. And also helping them realize that there are many types of orgasms. Maybe they don’t have the earth shattering type of orgasm, but they can still have other types of orgasms, such as nipple orgasms, or clitoral orgasms. Each woman is different.

As I mentioned in I for Introspection, it is important to discover what turns you on. To explore your own body so you know what works for you. To experiment with lovers to help you find your ecstasy! And to realize there are many different types of ecstatic orgasmic experiences.

One thing I would love to share with you guys… is the importance of orgasming totally and completely. To allow yourself to give your all when you orgasm. To orgasm like a Lion! To roar, to thrust and to imagine your orgasm is not just in to the woman’s vagina but that it goes through her whole body!

Orgasmic pleasure is not just in the genitals. It can be through every cell in your body.

Sometimes I get headaches if my sexual energy gets stuck! It requires a powerful male orgasm inside me to sometimes push that stuck energy through and out the top of my head.

In the research I did for my PhD, there were several studies that showed orgasms to be good for headaches. It has certainly helped me over the years!

So when you orgasm guys, do it with your heart and soul, and imagine coming so intensely that your lover will feel it in every cell of her being! Roar your orgasm. Express it with every cell of your beingness. Give it your all!

You are a powerful lover. Release that energy! Allow your sexual energy to be transmitted through your cock, into your lover, through them and on out into the universe! And when you both orgasm at the same time, then that generates an even more powerful energy that can be used to heal and energize, and also expand on out into the universe for planetary healing… More on that in U for Universe!

As I mentioned in G for G-spot, it is very important for guys to have actual orgasms, where they ejaculate. I know there is the tantric, taoist perspective of holding on to the orgasm, and redirecting it through the body for regeneration and self healing, which is great, but in my opinion it is also VERY important to allow the body to actually orgasm eventually. If you don’t then you may suffer prostate problems later on. If you continually tell your prostate not to do what it is meant to do, which is ejaculate, then eventually it will stop working as it perceives it has no function any longer.

There are several studies in the summary of my PhD, outlined in my book Anti-Aging and Health Benefits of Sex, that support this and show that the more sex and ejaculations you have then healthier your prostate will be.

So prolong as long as you can but do allow yourself to come eventually! It’s good for us girls to feel that energy and also for your health and the health of your prostate!

Next is P for P…

N is for Naughtiness - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

N is for Naughtiness

How naughty are you? How naughty can you be? What naughty things have you been up to?

I was living in Marina del Rey in Los Angeles a few years ago, in a really nice apartment near the beach. I had a girlfriend living with me at the time who was bi, and very fun. The clothes dryer door wouldn’t shut so I had to call up the shop I originally bought it from and get an appliance repair person to come round. He arrived early in the morning and I only had a skimpy robe on. I flirted with him the whole time, letting my robe open slightly so he could see I was naked underneath. He said I had been too hard on the nipple on the door of the dryer and that I had banged it too hard! Well of course with that type of language how could I resist! I called out to my girlfriend who was upstairs and told her to come down. I said to her incredulously that the repair man said I had been too hard on the nipple. I pulled down her top and sucked on her nipple and asked her if I was too hard… I could tell he was super turned on. I told him to take his cock out and stroke it while I proceeded to show him how I banged my girlfriend. I pushed her down on the floor and he exploded like crazy! Luckily I had a towel handy! Needless to say he gave us a really good deal on the repair job!!!

Recently my ice maker in my fridge stopped working. My girlfriend down the road had an appliance guy visiting her to check her oven so she suggested she bring him down to check on my ice maker. He simply pressed a button and got it cycling and working so said he wouldn’t charge me. So in order to show my appreciation I offered him a blow job!

Sounds like that could be a great job! Appliance repair! I wonder how many naughty housewives are out there? And how many actually follow through on that fantasy? It certainly got my engine running and the repair man was very happy when he left!!!!!!

Next time that opportunity arises take it!!!!! Push your boundaries and make someone’s day!!!!! Be naughty! The person may decline the offer but still you have made their day by suggesting it! And that will probably fuel their sexual energy for their work or for when they get home that day and see their partners!!!!!!

One time in Chicago I was contacted by a guy who had just become a doctor who wanted to live out a fantasy before he started work so that it wouldn’t plague him when he was in practice. He had always wanted for a nurse to join him in seducing a young female patient. Very tabu!!! So I organized for one of the girls that I know who works in the sex field to be the young female “school girl” who pretended to have a sore belly. I was the nurse at the school and I had to take her to the doctor to get checked… He was such a naughty doctor he used his cock down the back of her throat to check her tonsils, and then his fingers to explore inside of her to see if there could be anything inside that could be causing her discomfort…. I loved it! So kinky! And such a safe way to enact out a very naughty fantasy and not get anyone into trouble!!!!

One time I had a request for a “job interview” roleplay where I really wanted the job and would do anything to get it! And I mean anything! This guy was a top business man who always had hot girls interviewing for jobs. He was too scared to do anything with the suggestions some of the people interviewing made but wanted to live out the fantasy in a safe setting. Better than getting a sexual harassment law suit filed against him!

The maid is also a popular fantasy! Perhaps Arnold Schwartzenegger should have employed the services of a sexologist or someone specializing in role plays to enact out his fantasy with the maid!

Another popular fantasy/role play is the sexy housewife doing the dishes in heels and lingerie waiting for her man to come home… or bending down to get something out of the oven while her partner watches her from the dining room table, teasing him with a view of her lingerie or lack of it!

Back in my Hollywood days I had a Harvey Weinstein moment. I was chatted up at a hotel pool by a short little jewish looking guy who claimed to be a movie producer. I was in a hot little bikini and he came up to me and said, “You would be perfect for a role I am casting… why don’t you come up to my room and have a look at the script.” I couldn’t believe my ears…. seriously! I’d heard about the casting couch but here was this totally creepy guy making that type of offer? I couldn’t resist. I told my girlfriend I was heading up to one of the rooms for a bit and that I would be back soon! I was back pretty quickly. I went up the room, he opened the door with a towel around his waist. As the door closed the towel dropped and I gulped!!!! “I was hoping for a bigger part than that!” I said, and turned around and walked out!!!!

One time in New York I met up with a Wall Street banker at his hotel. A very nice old school classic NY hotel. He wanted to meet up in the privacy of his room. I understood why when we got there… he proceeded to take off his pin striped shirt and impeccably ironed shirt to reveal that he had been wearing full women’s lingerei under his suit all day… that was his fetish…

And another time a very good looking Asian man contacted me. He had long hair, rode a motorbike… very sexy guy. He also wanted to meet in the privacy of his hotel room and stripped down to show me his fantasy which was wearing nylons and a garter belt, and heels.

I was invited to do a workshop at a rope bondage week down in Hedonism in Jamaica a while back. My workshop turned out to be a great Segway between the bondage community and the swinger scene of Hedo. The rope community is all about the importance of discussing boundaries and getting consent. Whereas in the swinger community and often at resorts such as Hedo, there are a lot of very friendly people who do not necessarily abide by the basic rules of ask before you touch. Many times there is a gap between wanted and unwanted attention. Especially with a lot of the old school swingers who have been going to Hedo for years and live a very open lifestyle. It’s almost like there are different cultures within the sex scene. Old school swingers, people into tantra, rope bondage people, 50 Shade of Grey types, full on BDSM peeps…. Each has their own language, customs and cultures. It is important to be aware that everyone speaks a different language and to not necessarily be offended by that language but just realize it is different. How to learn a response that is strong but not rude, accepting yet self-empowering.

Allow yourself to be that naughty little boy, or girl, and go out and create some amazing memories for yourself, and others. Encourage each other to be naughty. To do naughty things sexually! Be naughty!!!

Next is O for Orgasm…

M is for Music - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

M is for Music

I remember at the Erotica Show in New Zealand where I was presenting, I wanted to demonstrate how music can affect the way we make love. I went around the audience and asked people what music they liked to make love to. I got responses from various attendees including an older gent. The young one liked ACDC, the sexy Maori guy liked Silk “Let me Lick you up and Down” and the older guy said he liked the Righteous Brothers. So I got the DJ to pull out the three songs and proceeded to demonstrate with the volunteers how each type of music changed the way you can make love. The ACDC was full on, power, porn sex. The slower Silk song inspired sexy, sensuous, slower more erotic moves and the Righteous Brothers encouraged a slow, close, sexy dance…

Believe it or not, the old guy got a raging woody on, just dancing close and slow. He sat down in the audience after we finished our dance, next to some young girls who couldn’t stop giggling as it was very evident that he was aroused!!!!

Music is powerful. Choose your music wisely. Understand how different types of music can change our mood, inspire us to move differently, contain different messages…

I love having music to make love to and change it up depending on my mood. Sometimes I like the hard core, porn-style, rock n’ roll music for really active sex. At other times I like sexy Marvin Gay type R n’ B, soul music to slow things down and really feel the moment. Other times I like romantic heartfelt songs with mushy words of love to bring me into my heart so I can connect on a deeper level with my loved one. At other times I just like quiet classical music or new age music to bliss out to and surf the universe with after orgasming.

Play around with how different music can affect your love making.

Create some playlists of different music to make love to.

One of my workshops I do on lifestyle cruises, at resorts and conferences is “Music to Make Love to” where I guide people through their sexual energy centers with different music that inspires different sexual connections. Sometimes I start with grounding African drum style music to get us connected into our bodies and to earth the sexual energy. Then bring it up to the sexual reproductive center and play salsa, reggae, old school rock n’ roll music to get the hips moving. Then bring the energy up with full on dance music to really get the fire going. Then shift the energy to the heart with slower more romantic music. Then some music to get the throat chakra/energy center activated. Then some more quiet yet powerful music to tune in to the third eye and crown chakras/energy centers, culminating in a blissful sexually satisfied orgasmic state of being, and merging with all there is. All with a guided musical sexual journey.

Have fun playing with music. As they say, “Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” There’s a reason why people go out dancing to find someone to take home to bed! If you click on the dance floor then you are more than likely to click in bed!

Next is N for Naughtiness…

L is for Lust... and Laughter - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

L is for Lust

Lust and Laughter!

My new inspiration is Dr Gladys, who I met recently at a fundraiser for The Living Medicine Foundation, in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Originally, many years ago in my early 20’s, I saw a movie that changed my mind set about old age, Harold and Maude. For me, here was this absolutely incredible old lady who was still seducing younger people into the magnificence of life. I wanted to still be sassy and sexy in my 80’s. That was my goal.

Recently when I came face to face with Dr Gladys, who is 98 this year, I met my new mentor. She is still up there, speaking, inspiring, creating, living, laughing and being. Wow! I want to be like her when I grow up. 20 years old to 80 years old seemed massive. A great goal. But now that I’m in my early 50’s, 90 plus seems like a massive goal. And close to 100 an even better goal!

A sudden shift in my mind set occurred. A new realistic, attainable goal. I never saw past 83 before and now I see my future as someone who reaches 100 who is still enjoying this sexual experience!

I am inspired to live long and healthy. To give, to be of service, to do what I can to help my fellow humanity make the most of their short existence here on planet earth, especially sexually!

A term I heard that Dr Gladys has used many times in her lifetime is “Lust to Dust.”

From lust we come, and to dust we return. And it’s the time in between that makes us who we are and gives us our experience here on this planet.

As a sexologist I love the concept of lust. It’s that primal urge that created us, that we live for and search for, that drives us in our lives. Our lust for life and living is what keeps us going. Our lust for love. Our lust for satisfaction, health, happiness.

Lust is such a great word. It embodies desire, passion, action. It truly is the driving force of our lives. Without lust, life is meaningless, empty. Lust is the fuel that drives our existence.

Lust.

Do you have a lust for life? A lust for living? A lust for love? A lust for being?

As Dr Gladys says, our lives are Lust to Dust. Let’s feel the lust. Create more lust. Embody lust. Be lust.

The dust will be all too soon. It is inevitable. It is our destiny. But until we become dust, let’s enjoy Lust!

Thank you Dr Gladys for inspiring my lust and may my lust for life live on until I am dust.

Dr Gladys is also a great believer that laughter is the best medicine. One of my first papers I wrote at University was about laughter being the best medicine (a great article online about the health benefits of laughter can be found at: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm) And I’m sure you’ve heard about the guy who was diagnosed with a short time to live so decided to watch funny movies and is still alive today. Laughter raises our vibratory rate. To be able to laugh at ourselves is one of the most important things to be able to do. And to laugh WITH each other, not at each other.

I think it is important to bring humor into our lives and to laugh. It keeps us young. People always comment that I am always smiling. It’s because I live the life I love and share that love of life with those I meet. I bring that lust for life and love and laughter into my work, into my writing, and my seminars too.

I was a guest speaker at the Erotica Sex show in New Zealand a few years back and had a featured segment called “Let’s talk about sex”, twice a day on stage, in between male strippers and girl on girl cream pie shows! I had a booth and would talk to people who came up and gather material for my presentation.

I focused one segment on threesomes as that was a common topic… I asked the audience, “How many of you would like a threesome?” There was a massive showing of hands. So I asked for two volunteers. Then I asked, “How many of you girls have been at a bar and fancied a guy but his best mate was the one that hit on you. You weren’t really attracted to the best mate but he was the one with the car and the place to go back to… what to do?” A few tentative hands acknowledged that had happened to them…

My suggestion was to, “Why not do them both!”

I asked for the volunteers to help me demonstrate on stage what to do with two guys… people were laughing their heads off but still learning what different positions work for one girl and two guys, and which ones don’t. Plus it opened their minds to a positive solution to an otherwise potentially awkward scene in the bar.

This actually had happened to me when I was on holiday with my Mum. Every year since my father died my mother and I would meet up somewhere around the world to spend quality mother/daughter time together. She knows I have a very high sex drive and usually a few days into our vacation she can see that I “need” to go out hunting!!! So she encouraged me to go out after she had gone to bed one evening. I went down to the bar on the beach just as some of the workers were getting off and there was one hot guy I had been flirting with who just happened to be there, with another guy who had been hitting on me… I was really attracted to the cutie but the other guy was the one with his own room so I suggested that we all go back to his room. They were a little shocked but didn’t turn down the opportunity.

When My Mum woke up the next morning she looked over and asked, “So did you score?” To which I replied, “Yes, with two boys!” The confused look on her face was the inspiration for the segment on stage at the Erotica show. What do you do with 2 boys?! So I explained that you could start by giving one a blow job and getting him nice and hard while the other one licks your pussy, and then when the first one is ready, turn around, back onto him and get the second one ready as you know the first one is going to pop super quick coz it is such a hot scene…. I call it sexual ping pong. Keep going back from one to the other. Premature ejaculation isn’t an issue when there are two young guys who can play tag team! The lust of youth. Well actually I am still full of lust and am now in my 50’s!

My mother’s expressions as I explained in detail what to do with two boys was priceless. It made me laugh so hard! It came to pass, after quite a long and detailed discussion, that my father had never performed oral on my mother, “Shock! Horror!” Was my reaction. “I was always wet,” she said! And she had never performed oral on my father! More shock and horror! Unimaginable!!! But as she said, “He was always hard!” And her comment on doing it from behind was, “Eeeww! That would be too animalistic!” Duh! Yup! That’s why we do it! Smile, Smile!!!! But different generations, have different “ways!”

One awesome reality I can share, and something that still blows my mind, is that my father died making love to my mother! What a way to go Dad! On Easter Sunday. Rose, Died and Rose again!!! Hard on my Mum though, literally! Sorry, that was bad, but a good example on how to make light of a heavy situation, with humor. Force yourself to laugh! You will feel better about the whole situation…

Think about funny, embarrassing situations that have happened for you, sexually. Bring back those memories and laugh at them, tell the story to someone else and encourage them to laugh with you, not at you!

For me a massive turn on is when an older gent is still horny and actively wants to be sexual. The older the better! My partner is almost 70 and he is still horny and sexy as!

My significant other(s) and I are all going through menopause, or peri-menopause, or post menopause. Luckily none of us have had to put men-on-pause! (larf, larf!) We all needed our hormones to come into balance and one way to safely remove the excess hormones is to use a methylation cream that helps the detox. You rub it on your forearms once in the morning and once in the evening. It can take a while for it to sink in and it does have a dark brown color. So recently we were all in Switzerland staying at our little place in the Alps and chatting with our Swiss friend who looks after and cleans our place after guests leave. She commented that there were some dark brown stains on the arms of the white sofa and looked a little perturbed!!!!

She had thought we were doing anal sex bent over the arm of the sofa and that the brown stain was from from that!!!!!! I laughed and laughed and laughed!!!

Finally my laughter subsided and I explained about the hormonal detox cream we were all using and then she laughed and laughed. The awkward situation dissipated and we could all just laugh about it!

One person’s perceptions of a situation can be very different from another’s. And that is same in life and especially in relationships and communication. You may think you understand what the person is thinking, or the scenario, or situation but it could be completely different to what you imagine. That’s why it is always best to talk directly to people about things. Not behind their back to someone else. Speak directly to them. Tell them “I feel that….” (keep it in the “I”) and then ask them what their perspective of the situation is, their view. You’d be amazed sometimes how different it is to what’s really going on. Like the sofa story above!!!!!!! Too funny! And then when you realize how different the story is, then laugh about it! Shift the energy. Don’t get into defense mode. Find the funny in it. Laughter will bring you back together. Laughter is the best prescription and naturally medicinal. And FREE!!!!! Even if you don’t really feel like laughing. Fake it! Make yourself laugh!Same could be said with orgasms… but more about that in O for Orgasm…

K is for Kundalini - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

K is for Kundalini

The term Kundalini, derives from India, and essentially means the coiled sexual energy at the base of the spine. It is usually depicted as a coiled snake. The snake symbolizing the sexual energy and the potential danger of releasing this energy unexpectedly, like the sudden venom of a snake bite. Yes, it can be dangerous to release this sexual power without guidance or understanding. But releasing kundalini can intensify the sexual connection and make it profound and life-changing. Rather than just “sport sex,” sexual interactions that focus on releasing kundalini can result in cellular orgasms through the entire body, heart and soul.

I have guided many individuals, couples and small groups through this kundalini release process. It is like being plugged in to an electrical outlet. The body has to be prepared for an influx of energy. The stronger and healthier our bodies the more possibility for expanded sexual connection and fulfillment.

I made reference to the kundalini connection in E for Eroticism. When two people consciously connect sexually through the energy centers (chakras) and purposely direct that energy through the entire body, that sexual energy can be used for healing, opening and expansion. When connected with the heart the potential for sexual healing and planetary transformation exists.

I talk about sexual transformation through the chakras in my book “Soul Sex” and the importance of activating our sexual centers.

Kundalini is an activation of all of the energy centers and an explosion of energy throughout the entire body, heart and soul. To experience a kundalini awakening first it is important to activate the different energy centers (chakras).

The first chakra is our connection to our bodies and this earth. The body is the vehicle through which we experience life, and loving. It is essential to keep our physicality healthy so we can enjoy our sexual experiences. Feeling grounded is a key aspect of this chakra and sex is a great way to help ourselves feel embodied! Also, our connection with nature and mother earth is an important part of activating this energy center. So making love outside, in nature can really help activate this chakra. The color red is associated with this energy center so eating red foods, wearing red, and visualizing red can be very helpful.

The second chakra’s associated color is orange. It is centered in the sexual reproductive organs of the body, and lower back. Focusing the energy on that particular area and making movements to activate that center can help the release of kundalini through the sexual center. Flowing, soft, sensual touch and movements help generate energy in this center. Focusing movements from the genitals and lower back, thrusting the hips, creating circular motions, feeling the circling of the coiled snake start to awaken…

Then pulling the energy generated in the second chakra up to the third power center located in the solar plexus is next. Feel the fire igniting in the center of your being. Allow your source, your sun to be activated and awakened. Usually doing something active can help, such as something really physical like full on dancing, bonking, or fire breathing, something to activate the fire within. Imagine the yellow of the sun burning from within. Feel that sexual passion burning within.

Then pull that powerful sexual fire energy up into your heart and feel yourself bathed in green soft loving energy. Feel it within yourself then merge hearts with the one you are with, feeling each other’s heart pound, feeling the chest expand with each breath.

Keep bringing that sexual energy up into your throat, the 5th chakra. Visualize the color blue and start verbalizing positive words, compliments, sexual fantasies… sensual loving noises, responses. As if you are eating a bowl of ice-cream or some yummy chocolate. Allow your throat chakra to open with Ahhh sounds….

Then pull that kundalini energy up to the third eye. Connect your forehead with your partner and feel bathed in purple light. Feel the energy flowing up from your base chakra, up your spine to your third eye. Feel it activating your ability to tune in to your intuition, to feel your partner, to know intuitively what to do, where to touch, how to be the most awesome lover you can possibly be.

The energy of the third eye can be very strong. Keep pulling it up to your crown chakra, your seventh energy center on top of the head. Feel the flow of energy from your base chakra to your crown chakra. If possible get into a flow of thrusting and working your genital area together to generate more and more sexual energy then pull that energy up your spine to the top of your head.

Feel it flow in circles up your spine, through the top of your head, then back into your partner (or yourself if you are solo) and allow that kundalini to awaken and activate your cells as it flows up and through and out and back.

Keep building that sexual energy until orgasm and feel that orgasm flow through every center/chakra and every cell in your body. Feel that orgasm expand your energy field to connect with your partner and on out into the universe. Feel that expanded kundalini energy connecting you with all that is…

It is important to then ground that kundalini energy back into your base chakra and see that coiled serpent energy put away safely!

Without conscious practice and understanding the kundalini release can be dangerous, like a snake awoken from a deep sleep without being ready to awaken.

I highly recommend working with a conscious sex worker/tantrica/provider who understands kundalini release and is willing to guide you through the process.

I have taken many people through this process and love it.

Many people are happy to have “just sex” but many more feel “just sex” becomes empty after a while and want something deeper and more profound.

If you are happy with “just sex” then that is great! Continue to enjoy these physical bodies!!!!! They are so much fun! But if your heart desires more then starting exploring the kundalini energy. Come to one of my workshops on a lifestyle cruise or at a lifestyle resort.

Next is L for Lust…

J is for Joy - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

J is for Joy

Find your joy! If doing something doesn’t bring you joy, then reassess why you are doing it. If being with someone no longer brings you joy, look at how you can bring joy into your life and your self.

I remember being profoundly affected by a movie called “Like Water for Chocolate.” It was the story of a love affair where the guy married the older sister so he could be closer to the one he truly loved, that was the younger sister (the younger one couldn’t marry until the older sisters were married off). The younger sister was the cook in the house and was responsible for making the wedding cake for her older sister. She was devastated that the man of her dreams was marrying her older sister and cried into the wedding cake mix. Everyone who ate the wedding cake became violently ill and threw up (vomited). She had infused the cake mix with her energy, and her emotions and that was then transmitted to those who ate it.

Later on in the same movie, the guy snuck into the kitchen when the little sister was preparing dessert for the family and they made love. She finished off making the dessert and infusing it with passion, desire and sexual energy so when everyone ate her dessert they all felt it and got hot and steamy and aroused!!

So be aware of the energy you put into your food as you prepare it. And also into any experience, including sexual experiences!

When I was traveling around the world one place I visited was a community in Senegal. They had a philosophy that truly affected me. “Travailler pour Dieu” which they translated as meaning literally, work for God, or if you are going to do something, do it with love. Even if it is cleaning the toilets or doing manual work.

Where you focus your energy, that’s where you will be. If you focus on ill-health, unhappiness, discontent, then that is what you will attract to you. If you focus on joy, and what brings you joy then that is what you will bring to you.

Energy follows awareness. This is a core foundation of the teachings my partner and I have shared around the world for more than 20 years. What you focus on is where your energy will go so use that power of the mind for your own gain!

Start by looking at what brings you joy. As I mentioned in I for Introspection, it is important to know yourself first and what brings you joy. Then explore what brings you joy with your loved one. If you end up doing something that is not enjoyable then reassess it, talk about it and aim for other experiences that do bring you joy.

This is a great measuring stick to look at our lives. Is my relationship bringing me joy? Is my job bringing me joy? Does my house make me joyful? Is what I am doing in my life bringing me joy? If not, then seriously look at how you can change that energy to joy, whether it is possible, or whether you need to move away from that relationship or job or shift your energy regarding that situation. It may just take a shift in perspective. Or it may require radical change.

Sexually - what brings you joy? What do you like? What brings your partner joy? What can you do to increase the joy factor in your love-making? Playfulness, laughter, not taking each other too seriously, finding the funny in awkward situations…

I have clients who have decided that they want to travel to far off places but their partners don’t like traveling. So I am their travel companion. When one partner follows their joy and does what brings them joy it makes them a better partner and person.

I have also traveled with couples to destinations such as Hedonism in Jamaica. They like having someone with them who “knows the ropes” so to speak and can guide them in their experiences.

What would bring you joy in your life? What is your bucket list? Sexually and personally?

Start making a list of things you would love to do in your life. And also what would you like to explore sexually? What would bring you joy?

The happier we are within ourselves, the happier our relationships and life.

Next is K for Kundalini…

I is for Introspection - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

I is for Introspection

For me introspection means time to go within. To spend time with oneself.

It also means taking time to explore yourself sexually.

It is important to know your own body. To discover what turns you on. Self pleasuring is extremely important for a sexually fulfilling life. It is essential to know your own body. To discover your own erogenous zones. What turns you on? What gives you satisfaction?

Have you taken time to explore your own body?

If not, please do! Set some time aside to explore yourself. Take as much time as you need…

Too many times we rely on others to give us pleasure. Especially sexually. But first, it is important to know ourselves. And to take responsibility to be our own pleasure makers. It is called self empowerment. Sexual empowerment is to know what you like and get it.

We are powerful sexual beings. But many times that power is suppressed. In this era it is so important for us to take back our power. To awaken our sexual energy so we can use it for our own pleasure. To use that sexual energy for our own gain is a very powerful energy.

Introspection is also about taking time for yourself, quiet time. Time out. Do you do that? Do you take time out of your busy life for yourself? A nice hot bath. Time to meditate? To go for a walk? As you schedule time for work, school meetings, social gatherings, it is also important to take time for yourself. To schedule time for you.

Introspection also includes a willingness to look inside when things get tough. When you are faced with a situation that brings up big feelings, strong emotions. To look within and see where those emotions sit in your body. To focus in and see where those feelings come from. Are they really realistic and valid?

I remember when my partner asked me to marry him. I freaked out. My emotional response was really strong. I know from many years of personal growth seminars and work on myself that when something happens that brings up a really strong reaction then it is important to take time and look at where that reaction comes from. Is it real. Is it valid. Is it realistic? Or is the reaction based on your parental, societal, or religious upbringing?

When I took time to really analyze my reaction to making a lifetime commitment to this person who loved and adored me, the image of me having my wings clipped, chained to the kitchen sink, ironing his underpants was not really a realistic reality. This man in no way wanted to restrict my freedom. He was attracted to me as a sexual, uninhibited, free spirit. He didn’t want to change that. He loved that. When I took time to go within I realized that my reaction was based on my upbringing and the reality of my mother. She was a model and very flirtatious, gave up her career and dedicated her life to my father and to raising a family and being the best wife and mother. My reaction was my response to the possibility that I, as a sexually free being, would limit myself if I made a commitment to one man. The deeper I looked I realized that this man did not want me to limit myself. He adored who I was sexually and didn’t want to change that. He wanted to be there for me, be my rock, encourage me to be all I could be.

It took an hour or so, by myself, looking within, to realize that my reaction was not founded on reality. I cried. I screamed. I watched myself react. Then when I really looked within it was clear that this man did not intend to limit me but rather wanted to honor me and commit to me and us.

Over the last 22 years that has proven to be true. Never, has he attempted to limit me. He has always been there to encourage me and empower me to be all of me. I feel very blessed.

Look at your relationships. To yourself and your loved ones. Do you encourage them to be all they can be? Is there something you feel is missing? Is that something you can create with your loved one or is it something you can fill with someone else?

It is a lot to expect one person to provide everything you need physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I wrote a book called “Soul Sex,” a sexual adventure about a New Zealand girl traveling the world in search of sexual enlightenment. She travels to 12 different countries and explores sexual activations with many different people. Ultimately she found one person who did meet all of her physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. But the reality is, that it is very difficult to find one person who does that. Rather than destroy a relationship or end a long term marriage sometimes it is important to look at what your relationship does gives you and what it doesn’t.

Many people I work with love certain things in their relationship - their children, their careers, their homes, but many times they feel there is something missing. I love it when couples are willing to look at what is missing and work out ways to fill those gaps.

More often than not there is something sexually they would like to explore. Monogamy, in my opinion, is not natural. We, as human beings, are not designed to be monogamous. To make a commitment of the heart is potentially a monogamous choice but to be sexually monogamous is not natural.

That is why so many thousands of people all over the world are attracted to this sexually open lifestyle. That is why you are in this lifestyle. That is why I am in this lifestyle and am busy as a sexologist focusing on helping couples and individuals open up to more sexually.

Thousands of couples and individuals enjoy lifestyle vacations to resorts and on cruises that cater to people in the lifestyle.

It can sometimes be a challenge but also incredibly satisfying to open up yourself and your relationship. But it is also important to take time for you. To take a break from the lifestyle. To re-group, to talk about your feelings with your partner. To vary things up. But mostly to reconnect with yourself. 


Next is J for Joy…